Honesty Time

I don't know why this affects me this way. I really don't.

But it does.

I have an autistic twin brother, who I love so dearly. However, while growing up, I was always associated with him by his disability. Thankfully I wasn't at the same caliber as he was, but I could still sense that something was 'wrong' with me.

Throughout elementary and middle school, I had to go see a speech therapist, so I could get caught up with the rest of my peers. It wasn't easy. But when I did, they basically already hated me and ignored me.

From an early age, I knew I was different from the rest of my peers. I was loud and boisterous, very reckless and rebellious, yet incredibly immature. I've come a long way since those times, but the pain I felt being rejected by my peers was so incredibly hurtful. And it still hurts to this day.

Not a day goes by where I don't wonder, "What's wrong with me? Do I come across as a mentally challenged person? A social retard? What am I doing wrong that makes people steer clear of me? Why can't I have a boyfriend and friends? Why can't I have what most people I want to be, have?

WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?"

I wish I knew the answer...

The Road to Self-Improvement

After going through a LOT of drama with friends and family these past few weeks, I've come to realize that maybe I'm not fully all right. Some things were caused by me acting like a 5-year-old, some things were caused by me being incredibly selfish, and some things were caused because of putting my problems on other people. Not to mention massive trust issues I have from my past

But all of this has convinced me that I need to get help for myself. I can't expect people to help me fix my problems (although it would be nice to have some real life friends who would listen and be there for you in thick or thin...).

As of right now, here are a few goals I wish to gain for myself through personal discovery and therapy:
~ Become more of a selfless person, yet maintaining a balance between giving and taking (I've always been fairly selfish, but I try to help out when I can. But this is mostly for my friendships and romantic relationships; I tend to be more take than give.)
~ Try to go with the flow and learn that sometimes things won't go my way.
~ Try to trust people more and quiet the doubts I always have about people (I might still get hurt by this, but I have to try)
~ Be a calmer person and find ways to calm myself down before I do something stupid.
~ Try to act more like my age, instead of a 5-year-old (this will take a while, but I've made progress)
~ Try to be an effective communicator and promote mature discussion with my friends, family and partners.
~ STOP PUTTING MY PROBLEMS ON OTHER PEOPLE AND EXPECTING THEM TO FIX IT FOR ME!

Hopefully with all these goals to start from, I can make progress in all of them and then become an improved person.