I've made a very important decision that might really change my entire future:
I am leaving my family without them knowing.
I have had enough of the chaos and the abuse I had to endure these past few years in the house. I never had a chance to leave before now because nobody in my area was willing to take me in or give two shits about my well-being (when I told so-called "friends" about my problems at home, they would just say, "uhh...what do you expect us to do? Coddle you?"). But now I have an escape and I'm staying with a good friend of mine in one state away and I'm leaving Sunday.
I'm not going to change my mind, but I'm scared shitless. I will have almost no money after I pay for the ticket, I'm worried that I might not be able to go back to school in the end of August and my mother might disown me.
I'm doing this because I don't want to put my life at risk anymore, nor let people use me as an excuse for all the problems at home. But she might not get that. And I want her to get help because she's not happy with life right now, but I can't be in the picture if I'm causing so much crap. And there's always the risk that she'll ruin my life if I do go back home for school.
I'm not backing down from this, but I'm just not prepared for what might happen... I'm worried about money the most, since I would feel so horrible and selfish if I mooch money off of people. And I hope my mom will understand why I did what I did...
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
RANT RANT RANT!
Ugh, today's not a good day...
I'm just going to go off and yell completely random things that are making me sad and pissing me off first, then I'll do a list of positive things that have happened.
- I hate how I'm socially incompetent. I don't know how to change it and I don't want to change my entire self to be something I'm not. You have no idea what I would give to be able to have it, but I can't change myself because it will never last. But I want real life friends....
- I hate how I ALWAYS have to make the first contact with someone to see what's up. I NEVER get a phone call nor an IM from someone. It just shows they don't care about me at all.
- I hate people who tell me that I need a certain physical attribute to be considered 'attractive', i.e. bigger breasts. Plus on top of that, my social incompetency just makes me a total loser and not desirable.
- I hate how the only guys who DO show interest in me are either really ugly or total douchecanoes.
- I hate being ignored by people, but they don't understand that sometimes I'm not up for conversation. And when I am, I'm so totally boring that they'll move on and never speak to me again. And then that makes me feel even more like crap. They just think, "oh, well she's boring and awkward and socially retarded. Why should I care? There's more fun people out there to talk to"
- I hate putting my problems on people, but what else do I have? I don't have friends, I don't have a therapist (I might in the near future), my family doesn't give two shits about me and the jezzies I did friend on facebook don't even know I exist anymore.
- I hate how I'm so annoying. I'm trying to stop, but it doesn't matter what I do; I'm an annoying person who nobody likes.
- I hate crying over this. It's getting me nowhere and is just sinking me deeper into my depression.
- I hate how nobody understands why I feel the way I feel. I want my life to change, but it has to happen soon, or things will go from bad to worse.
The only good thing in my life:
- I'm going to go see a therapist on Saturday. Hopefully I can get help with all of this.
I'm just going to go off and yell completely random things that are making me sad and pissing me off first, then I'll do a list of positive things that have happened.
- I hate how I'm socially incompetent. I don't know how to change it and I don't want to change my entire self to be something I'm not. You have no idea what I would give to be able to have it, but I can't change myself because it will never last. But I want real life friends....
- I hate how I ALWAYS have to make the first contact with someone to see what's up. I NEVER get a phone call nor an IM from someone. It just shows they don't care about me at all.
- I hate people who tell me that I need a certain physical attribute to be considered 'attractive', i.e. bigger breasts. Plus on top of that, my social incompetency just makes me a total loser and not desirable.
- I hate how the only guys who DO show interest in me are either really ugly or total douchecanoes.
- I hate being ignored by people, but they don't understand that sometimes I'm not up for conversation. And when I am, I'm so totally boring that they'll move on and never speak to me again. And then that makes me feel even more like crap. They just think, "oh, well she's boring and awkward and socially retarded. Why should I care? There's more fun people out there to talk to"
- I hate putting my problems on people, but what else do I have? I don't have friends, I don't have a therapist (I might in the near future), my family doesn't give two shits about me and the jezzies I did friend on facebook don't even know I exist anymore.
- I hate how I'm so annoying. I'm trying to stop, but it doesn't matter what I do; I'm an annoying person who nobody likes.
- I hate crying over this. It's getting me nowhere and is just sinking me deeper into my depression.
- I hate how nobody understands why I feel the way I feel. I want my life to change, but it has to happen soon, or things will go from bad to worse.
The only good thing in my life:
- I'm going to go see a therapist on Saturday. Hopefully I can get help with all of this.
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